Six Days and Counting

Usually when I catch myself at a precipice I feel different.  Adrenaline crashes to every extremity with an elation that makes everything beautiful, momentous and singularly precious.  In the past I have found that when a trip to a new country or state is about to begin I am giddy, for lack of a more accurate word.  Every moment that passes in my mundane existence seems sharper.  Even the bland moments scream with joy in anticipation of freedom and something new.

Not so this time around.  Everything seems normal: work drags on, tasks pile up even as I cross items off my to-do list, my surroundings fluctuate from disastrous to mind-bendingly neat, friends take me places, strangers introduce themselves, I hide from the past, present and future in my bedroom with a book or a computer, and I cuddle up on the couch with my mother and sister to watch Castle, CSI Miama, and the occasional chick-flick.

Today is every day.  Today is not a day away from my second to last day at my redundant job where I have to be mindlessly creative to stay busy.  Today is not two days away from finally getting rid of a job where people yell and sometimes apologize for overreacting instead of politely correcting or asking useful, clarifying questions.  Today is not three days away from potentially partying hard in a small Minnesotan town with old high school friends who are almost gradumatated.  Today is not four days away from the last family gathering I will have for three months.  Today is not five days away from having a sleepover in Chicago with my baby sister.  Today is not six days away from boarding a plane that will take me somewhere beautiful.

Today is simply everyday because none of these milestones really mean anything right now.

Maybe it is that I am realizing with every new question someone asks me about my trip, that I have no idea what I am getting myself into.

Maybe it is the association the program has with North Park.

Maybe it is a slight nervousness regarding if I will fit in with the others in the program.  There will not be many of us there.

Maybe I just have to wait until I look out the window of an airplane and see nothing but ocean.

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2 Responses to Six Days and Counting

  1. judy peterson says:

    Holly,
    Thanks for blogging again! I love reading what you write, but I can feel your frustration. Imagine the frustration of the Indian folks who are like you and push against such rules/practices. I wonder how this experience will change how you think and feel and want!? I love you! And, I love that you did not back out of the India trip but have persisted even when it was difficult.
    Take care!
    Love, mom

    • tertiaryhep says:

      i can feel it all changing me a lot…mostly in positive ways, i think.

      you’ll have to tell me if you notice any differences in me when i get back. 🙂

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