Winding Down

T-minus 12 days and I will be boarding a plane for home and I only have one thing to say about that.

Tonda kwa nzambi tata.

India is amazing.  This country is huge and diverse in every way that a place can be diverse.  It is rustic in some places and modern in others.  It smells like trash and shit and cows and, for a little variety, burning trash.  But it also smells like the kind of food you’ll pay too much money to eat in the States, incense and flowers and early morning rain.  There are more temples here than there are Starbucks in my part of the world and clothes is colorful and faces are painted daily out of reverence for self and God and tradition.

Some people warned me against India before I came here.  They told me that it was dangerous and gross and the people have a tendency towards ludeness.  They were right, but they missed the something else that makes India worthwhile.  India is everything all at once and it’s not shy about it.  Everything here shouts; whether it be  sight, sound, smell, taste or touch.  It’s overwhelming.  In a good way.

I’m here with a Christian program and Christianity shouts here, too.  (But it shouts inwardly because it’s not necessarily safe to be a Christian in some parts of India.)  Last night we had a devotional wherein we called for the holy spirit to come down upon us so we could speak in tongues and prophesy…and it was weird.  People cried and laughed hysterically for no reason and someone fell over.

Due to my self-imposed honestly clause I am going to be honest here.  Generally speaking I am not comfortable with this sort of Christianity.  It seems staged and fake, but if there is something that I have learned here in India it is that there is a spiritual world of some kind (there are levitating monks here…that has to mean something) and to pretend it doesn’t exist because it doesn’t conform to the natural laws I was taught as a teenager is just as stupid as blindly believing in them would be.  So I abandoned by cynicism for a night and opened myself to it.

I was the first person to go up because everyone else was being shy, so they prayed for me for way too long so it actually got to the point where I started laughing at the people who were praying for me because their prayers weren’t doing jackshit and I didn’t feel like standing there anymore, but the one time I tried to back off the lady praying for me started making me sway back and forth.

I cried when I finally extracted myself and sat down again, but it wasn’t hysterical and it wasn’t for no reason.  It was because I was trying to get through and once again there was a fucking brick wall there.  I wound up yelling at God (surprise) and I still can’t understand how if this stuff is real (which it seems to be…especially in India where spirituality runs so deep) nothing happens when I want it to.  Jesus promises, in the bible, to answer any prayer that we have so WHY DOESN’T HE.

If someone is making a conscious effort to find him and asks him to make his presence know, why doesn’t he?  Why doesn’t he answer the prayers we put to him when he says he will?  In the bible he doesn’t not say that his answers are yes, no or not now, as Americans tend to say his answers are.  His answer, if you ask in the name of Jesus Christ, is always supposed to be yes.

So wtf.  Where is my yes?

That is not what I meant to talk about.

I am starting to wonder what will happen when I get back to the States.  I want to live in MN this summer, but I’m definitely hurting for cash right now and would do just about anything that pays good money and isn’t obscene or illegal.  Alaska, as usual is rearing its ugly, money-filled head.  (Don’t make me go baaack.)

If anyone has any suggestions I would be open to them.  Or if you want to find me a job before I get to the States for me, that would be even better.   (Fingers crossed.)

The point of this entry was supposed to be that I am glad that my time here is almost done.  I think I like India, but I want to be out of the program that I’m in because it is frustrating and full of drama and, although interesting, not particularly educational.  I want to come back to India and trek and whitewater raft and see the flying monks.  Imma come back and be a dirty hippie tourist with a backpack the size of a teenager.  Imma come back and visit my favorite Indians and not have to be closed minded because of the people I’m with.

You hear that, future-self?