Sincerity ≠ Truth

Fair warning…this blog entry is me thinking on paper(ish, because it’s on the internet so it’s not really paper, is it?), so it is probably written more for me than it is for you.  If it interests you, great…but it is far from cohesive and it doesn’t resolve.

Night is the worst time to have a deep conversation with someone if you want to keep a secret.

We walked down the sidewalk, and occasionally slapped bugs off our arms and faces.  He forced words out of his mouth, overly conscious of the order and content of every sentence and thought that he arranged and offered to the conversation.

The night sky, devoid of stars and accented mildly by the lamp posts glowing above us, observed passively.

I mostly listened.  Every once in a while I opened my mouth to say a few words, but torrents of them gushed out instead.  Ideas exploded into sentences that careened recklessly into the blackened sky, exposing things that hadn’t been secrets until moments prior, because how can something be a secret if it has never been thought before?

Raw and exposed, hurt and joy greeted us and explained themselves with the utmost sincerity, only to contradict themselves with equal sincerity minutes later.

Because sincerity ≠ truth.

Even with the exception of those who fool themselves or are brainwashed into believing that something is true when it is not, I would argue that sometimes the things that we say with the most sincerity are the least true.

Or this quirk could be unique to me.  Allow me to explain…

I am fond of saying that I always tell the truth, but I lie all the time.

Bear with me, I know the above sounds obtuse at its best and arrogant at its worst, but I think it’s true.  Furthermore, I think I have finally figured out a way to express the juxtaposition of truth and untruth more clearly and that is by replacing the idea of truth with sincerity and the idea of lies with truth.  Behold!  The same statement, revised:

I am sincere in everything that I say, but I have a very hard time telling the Truth.

It is possible (read likely) that I find this an issue because I have a fixation with truth as an absolute term, even when I am applying it to life and self in a finite sense.  In other words, Truth, if it is true, should always be true.

A person is either guilty or not guilty.  There may be mitigating circumstances that should be investigated regarding the individual’s intent and subsequent punishment (or lack thereof), but an action was either taken or it wasn’t.  The problem is that many things can be true at once and often those  truths seem to contradict one another, when in reality they simply coexist in a state of qausi-peace.

It drives me crazy because I feel the sincerity of both (or all) my truths as they tumble outward in speech or rattle around inside as thoughts.  I think their discord.

It is through subsequent application of logic or thought-quilting (trying to put all thoughts in the order in which they make the most sense as a whole…I told you, this entry is more for me than you and metaphors help me think) that I realize that the ineffable joy that I felt in the spring of 2008 when I walked alone in the dark does not match or make sense at all alongside the surging depression that was painfully present at the exact same time.  The reasons I invent for both of those, now that they are gone are frivolous and almost definitely wrong, which makes it all the more difficult to reconcile how two opposites can be concurrently true.

The above is probably a bad example because it has to do with emotions and even I can admit that emotions are rarely, if ever, absolutes, but it was the easiest to explain without having to launch into several conflicting stories and simply assuring the reader (who might just be myself, at this point) that despite their seeming opposition, they actually coexist quite peacefully when they are not forced under the bright lights of my confused examinations.

The principle remains, though.

I can deeply feel the resonating of truth in every word that I say about myself, my ideas, my life (because things pertaining to me are the only things over which I could dream to have the authority of truth), but they often conflict and it weirds me out.

I am sincere in everything that I say, but I have a very hard time telling the Truth.

I always tell the truth, but I lie all the time.

And because I have already told you that this blog is for me, not you, I’m not even going to bother checking it for errors and cohesion.  Heya!

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